After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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