life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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