Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
