Got a toothbrush?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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