I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I am morally bankrupt
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
