Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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