so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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