just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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