whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
