I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
