Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
