Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
