I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
