It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
