i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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