yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
