toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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