six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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