Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
