my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
