I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
