On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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