Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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