I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
