I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
