Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
