you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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