My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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