I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the day after is always just damage control
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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