we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
