No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
