dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
