This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
