Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
there is glitter all over my balls
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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