I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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