It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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