before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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you are never too drunk for berry picking
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.