I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony