i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You just missed an honest to god bukkake