lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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