2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
