Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
