Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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