Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
