I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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