i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Of course I have a pirate flag
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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