i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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