I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
