we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
