my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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