don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
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the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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