God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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