so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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