I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
