come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think i have two assholes
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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