I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
