I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
