well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
