He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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