last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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