How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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