u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
